It is NOT cheese!

Disclaimer: I actually have tried soy cheese. I don't just pretend to dislike it because I'm a Republican; I really do dislike it.

My good friend and officemate, whom I shall call Bowens, and I discuss food on a fairly regular basis. Today, this discussion was spawned with me raving about the homemade mac-and-cheese I made last night in celebration of finally refilling my Novalog prescription after the long, carbohydrate-free weekend I found myself in because I failed to call my doctor and have my prescription refilled before Friday at 5 p.m., but that's another story for another day.

So, my mac-and-cheese was awesome. Bowens then started telling me all about how she recently discovered what she called "soy cheese." I was puzzled, perplexed, and borderline baffled by this. She called it cheese, but it's made of soy, not dairy. I wasn’t understanding the conclusion of her argument, so I posed some questions to explore her premises.

Is it creamy? Does it melt? Is it delicious? Does it have ANY of the revered, unique and cherished qualities of God's greatest gift of food to humanity, excluding, of course, the Eucharist?

Bowens admittedly responded with "no," to each of my questions. So, while you soy-eaters are absolutely free to enjoy your bean product, please don't derogate the sacredness of cheese by stealing its identity. Call it soy product, brick-o-soy, dairy-free-substitute-for-cheese, I don't care, but please, don't call it cheese.